I’m pretty sure I’m out of tears, I thought as I check for vitals and realized that Red was dead. Red was my fiancé’s cat. He’d been my fiancé’s constant companion for nearly 18 years; that’s longer than I existed in his life or his son.

If I pause to cry now I may never stop crying. This was the same feeling I had two weeks earlier.

Two weeks prior, the starter on my car died. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. I have AAA. But, I felt my eyes start to water as Joel, the tow trucker driver.

“How are you today?” He said.

“I honestly don’t know. I’ve been though a lot and this is the last thing I need,” I replied. “I just want something to go smoothly.”

“Take a deep breath and let it out,” he said. “Life goes on and you have to.”

For some reason I told him about why I felt like I was constantly on the edge. I told him how I was living with a broken heart due to the loss of a half dozen relatives in two years and other stresses. Joel listened and then said, “you know God only tests the strongest and most faithful among us. So if you need to cry, cry then pray and start again. I know you can do it because you’re still standing now.”

I’ve thought of his words many times during the past few weeks while trying to help with my father after his heart attack and new diagnosis, assisting his siblings during their visit and arranging my own doctors visits while working.

Last week, I almost broke down in tears after I was called about one of my posts. I wrote it to vent about the concerns I had about fitting in to a society that seems resigned to moving on without any precautions even though people like me, who are chronically ill/ immunocompromised and/or have cormobidities, are still at risk of dying from Covid and other things. But, I held on.

This morning, I let out a few tears and prayed after I went to feed Red and it hit me that he was gone. I realized I don’t need permission to take time to release and regroup.

#covid #chronicpain #autoimmunedisease #chronicillness #death #grief #pets #comorbidities #pandemic #spoonie