I snuggled in bed and prepared for the Fall finale of “This Is Us.” I often escape being overcome by the plot lines that tug on the heart strings of others and reduce them to tears. But, I have been following the Pearson family closer than some of my own relatives. Usually the show is an escape from my own family and work drama. However, tonight I crumpled into a ball and let out an ugly cry.

I was touched when Randall told his wife Beth, “Your voice is my favorite sound in the world.” And, I identified with Randall when he said he “knows what it feels like to be overlooked and underestimated.” Ive been the “victim” of both based on my race, gender, handicap, and chronic illness. But, the words that started the water works cane from Rebecca. She told her granddaughter that bottling up your emotions and keeping secrets can age you and damage your body.

I wondered if the same was true for me. In recent days I’ve been weary and achy. I’ve been holding in my concerns about my upcoming spine procedures. More importantly, my fear about a Cancer surgery my loved one is about to endure has been petrifying. I’ve had nightmares about a negative outcome. And, I’ve felt comes guilty about not being able to care for this person as they have done for me because I’m not 100%. So, I took Rebecca’s advice and shouted, cried and let my feelings out in private. It eased the tension in my shoulders a bit.

I’m uncertain if my relief will last. But, I think that before I head out tomorrow I will repeat the affirmation Beth shared with Randall, “you are fierce, dignified and in top form. Now go Serena the hell out of this.” Maybe it will drive me to conquer whatever the day may bring.

#ThisIsUs #SerenaWilliams #backpain #hss igg4 #spoonies #uglycry #autoimmunedisease #friendship #invisibleillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #disability #2018 #joythroughthepain #blogger #writinglife