I’ve been holding my breath for days, wondering if Cigna would authorize the tests my doctor needs to figure out if cancer is threatening my life. I’ve been unable to inhale deeply without wondering if I’d I have to give up, lose or sell everything I own to pay for an answer. This thought has haunted me. It stopped me from taking in the oxygen around me without hyperventilating at times. It’s even woken me from a dead sleep.

I’ve stood on NJ Transit and subway trains to and from work, watching seemingly able-bodied, healthy people sitting in the handicapped sections without acknowledging that I was there leaning on my cane. No one offered to get up. No one looked me in the eye. It was as if I was invisible or I’d already wasted away.

Today for the first time in nearly a week, I briefly exhaled. The insurance company finally decided that I should have a chance to find out what, if anything, is causing my body to go haywire. Yet, I know I won’t breathe easily until the final results come in and I know what’s really going on.

#lymphoma #igg4 #spoonies #autoimmunedisease #cancer #invisibleillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #disability #2018 #joythroughthepain #njtransit #blogger #writinglife #handicapped