LMy hand gravitated to the spot on my torso as soon as I woke up from my nap. The tip of my pointer finger brushed against a round circle that was sore to the touch. It was hovering just above my collar bone on right side.

“Oh no, not that side again,” I mumbled. “It cant be.”
<P€
I grabbed my phone and hurried into my bathroom. I ran my finger around the lump, checking for size and sensitivity. Then, I snapped a couple of photos.

My hand shook as I scrolled through them.

What if this is another bad lymph node? I wondered. That could mean surgery again and more.

As my anxiety rose, I decided it was best that I call someone so I felt less alone.

“Hi. Are you busy?” I asked my friend, who was in the middle of his shift at work.

“What’s up?”

“I found a lump in my chest.”

“What?”

“It hurts like the other ones did.”

“You need to go see your doctor right away.”

“I know. You’re right. I just freaked out a bit. Sorry.”

“It’s okay to be scared.”

As I got off the phone call, I wondered if I was scared.

No, I’m worried that I’m going to put everyone else through biopsies, surgeries and shedding hair again, I thought.

I got back on my bed and logged into the online site to schedule and appointment with my doctor. Then, I prayed.

God, I’m going to trust in you. I’ve been through this before and I came out okay. I can do this. I have to just stay calm, talk to the doctors, do what they say and have faith. It could be something or nothing. There’s no sense in worrying.

Later, my doctor’s office eased my fear further by telling me my swollen lymph node could be a reaction to an infection. So I’ll get tested for that.

Read days: 1-50: https://nikabeamon.com

spoonies #autoimmunedisease #invisibleillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #disability #2018 #joythroughthepain #lymphoma #lymphnodes #worry