Get It Off My Chest

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I’m don’t mince words often and I’m rarely out of them. If I have something to say I get it off my chest right. But, I was swamped at work when the results of my breast ultrasound came in. I glanced down at my iPhone 7 while the message from my Ob/GYN was being transcribed. It said, “your results are in. The radiologist wants to see you again in six months. I’m preparing your referral. Thank you.” Immediately, all words escaped me.

I saw the four hypoechoic nodules with my own eyes during my scan. They were the dark circles the technician paused over, measured, snapped images of then refused to discuss with me. Yet, I kept hoping I was wrong; that they were so insignificant they didn’t warrant being mentioned in a report.

I immediately signed on to the Lenox Hill Radiology portal and pulled up my report. It described each lump by height and width, as well distance from my nipple. There were two in the left breast and two in the right. On the bottom of the report, the radiologist said they were likely benign but recommended monitoring.

“Likely? What the hell does that mean? I’m supposed to wait six months to find out if some of kind of cancer is present? It may be okay with the doctor to watch and wait, but can I live with that? At least when Lymphoma was suspected I had the six surgical biopsies and I knew what I was facing. I may need a second option or a biopsy just to be sure,” I mumbled to myself. “I’ve spent most of my life since puberty trying to hide my double chest. Now, if the images change they could be gone. I don’t have much of a figure without them. I think I’d actually be sad to see my breasts go.”

I grabbed my cane, subtly rose from my chair and walked over to the printer to collect a copy of the radiology report. I didn’t tell anyone around me what was bugging me. I couldn’t figure out what to say so I said nothing other to answer questions about the stories we were writing for 5:30 and 6 pm newscasts. I completed my work and I laughed just like everyone instead of crying. And, on the way I home I wrote down my feeling to get them out.

#ultrasound #mammogram #chronicillness #chronicpain #disability #lymphoma #tvnews #radiology

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Under The Surface

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Her name was Colleen. We’d only met a few minutes before she asked me to open my robe and expose my chest. After that she was silent other than to tell me to, “lay on your back with your eyes towards the ceiling.”

She used a scanner to spread warm gel on the right side of my chest. Then, she began peering inside me to see, what if anything, looked out of place. Moments later, she found something.I felt her stop the scanner and heard clicking on the keyboard. I glanced over and I saw it.

There was a dark circle on the upper left side of the screen. She used the tool to measure it, zoom in and then there was more clicking. She went back to that spot and one other on the right side several times before it was time to switch. Colleen examined the left side too. But, either she found nothing remarkable or I didn’t notice. Afterwards, I was free to go; allowed to leave to contempt the possible results.

I was on my way back to my office with fear running through me when my college friend/former roommate texted me to say that she and her son were in the city and they wanted to stop by. Years, distance and illness kept us from seeing each other often but today the timing was perfect.

My heart leapt and my concern about the test dissipated. All I thought about was being in the moment, catching up, showing them around the tv station where I work and absorbing the love from them.

#mammogram #breastcancer #friendship #disability #chronicillness #chronicpain #igg4 #nyc #ultrasound #roommate #tvnews

Eating My Feelings

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I tossed and turned worrying about the reason my doctor required a 3D mammogram in addition to a traditional one. She said it was impossible to see through my dense tissue to clearly make whether I actually had a lump or not. I’d never had that type of imaging before but I was assured that this was the one of the latest technologies that would help me avoid something more invasive.

I took a cab over to the imaging center at lunch and I was immediately called in. I put on nipple markers that looked like pasties and stepped into a machine. I was pulled, pushed and then smashed before my scan was over. Then, the technician asked me to stop by the admitting desk to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound.

Wtf? I thought. What else do they red to do to tell me I’m okay.

I booked an appointment for the following Thursday and headed out into the rain.

Even God is crying, I thought as I bowed my head. He knows how much I’ve gone through and continue to every day. I guess He never said the road would be easy.

As soon as I looked up I saw a Dunkin Donuts/ Baskin Robbins. I took it as a sign. I cautiously made my way over there as my cane slid in the puddles and I picked out a carton of my favorite ice cream: Gold Medal Ribbon. Tonight, I will pray then eat this, I thought. I’ll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day.

I was smiling until I realized I had no way to get the ice cream back to New Jersey without it melting. When I returned to work I mentioned my problem to my friend Sixto. He took his dirty Tupperware out of his lunch bag and handed the bag to me.

“This ice should keep it cold,” he said.

He’s helped me lot of times over the years but this time he may have saved my sanity.

#food #nyc #breastcancer #cane #disability #autoimmunedisease #chronicillness #chronicpain #igg4 #baskinrobbins #dunkindonuts #eatmyfeelings