“I will never come here again,” I thought as I pulled into the driveway at the home parents shared for 28 years. “I always feel their presence here. The memories flood back.”

My husband raised the garage door, revealing the emptiness inside. “What needs to go?” He questioned.

I snapped out of my haze and pointed to the basement door. Inside, there were a couple of boxes, paint and tile from my father’s unfinished home improvement projects, and accessories from the mower. “There’s nothing else left,” I uttered.

Minutes later, the hauling company arrived and removed the final pieces.

“Well, that’s it,” I said as I climbed into our car to drive away. “Closing is next Wednesday. New year, new start.”

The sadness caused my breathing to be labored for miles as we headed to my baby brother’s home for Christmas. While his toddler son slept, I handed him a custom ornament with a picture of my parents’ home on it. “So you will never forget it,” I said.

I gifted my sister-in-law the jewelry my mother wore at their wedding.

“I’d give you a hug but I know you’d hate it,” she said.

It wasn’t long before my nephew woke up from his nap, cranky and confused. All it took was a flip of the switch on my light-up sweater to elicit the first squeal of the day. It was followed by a several others when we explained that Santa had brought presents for him to Uncle Marc and Aunt Nika’s house by mistake.

One by one he ripped off wrapping paper, shouted “thank you” and exclaimed with excitement as he saw his gifts. His unbridled joy was infectious. It reminded me of Christmas’ with my stepson when he was young; days that have long since passed.

After racing remote control trucks, pretending to be firemen and dancing to kids shows, it was time to sit down for barbecue dinner. I thought about the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

“I guess this is the balance in life,” I thought.

#death #grief #family

#chronicillness #spoonie #christmascountdown #uglychristmassweater #lifelessons #christmas