“I have one last story,” I thought yesterday as I began typing in the final rundown of the day. Then, my phone rang.

“Hello,” I snapped as I answered the phone while listening to a soundbite. After exchanging pleasantries, I received devastating news. Yet another relative was gone; departing suddenly without warning.

Since October 2019, I’ve lost three aunts, my husband’s dear aunt, my mother, my father, two second cousins and now this person; someone who was not much older than myself. And, again, it was up to me to break the news with my husband.

I honestly didn’t know what to do after I blurted out the tragic reality. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t decide what we should eat for dinner. I no longer felt like blowing out my wet hair. It all seemed trivial. I literally walked in circles until my foot began to hurt. I was lost again.

“Every time I come to terms with the latest blow, whether it’s a death, a medical setback or work, I’m rocked again,” I thought. “I can’t hold this in because stress causes my condition to have flares and I don’t have time for that.”

I couldn’t think of anything else to do but breathe and pray. This time, I thanked God for building me to go the distance no matter what the pain or obstacle. I thanked Him for allowing me to being there one of the happiest days of this person’s life before they died. And, I said I was grateful to be able to carry whatever load my husband cannot.

My stomach stopped flipping stopped and my mind was clearer. I ordered Chinese food. I dried my hair. Then, I ate a candy bar, my first in a while, for momentary happiness. And, it did it with sadness in my heart but I did it.

“Never surrender until the challenge turns you into a champion.”
― Hiral Nagda

This morning my choose for Day 5 of my sweater countdown was clear. It reads, “torn between looking like snack and eatin’ one.” Today, I give myself permission to do both if it helps me get through the day.

#death #grief #powerofprayer #family

#chronicillness #spoonie #christmascountdown #uglychristmassweater