You Can’t Always Control How You Land

I hate going to the doctor because there’s no such thing as a routine check up for me. It’s always something.

A follow up visit with my cardiologist began with the suggestion that another pill needs to be added to my current medications. “I can barely convince myself to swallow what I have,” I thought. “

My doctor then turned his attention from my heart to my overall health. I told him about a painful lump behind my ear. He agreed it was a sign of something lurking underneath the skin, which only blood tests could shed light on.

After being drained by the nurse, I walked from west 52nd street and 9th avenue over to east 41st street and third avenue for ultrasounds of my thyroid and abdomen. On the 20 minute walk I thought, “how could I be able to walk as far as I want at a good rate and yet I need a cardiologist?”

I laid on the table as warm gel was spread on my neck, stomach, sides, and back before a probe was run across each area. When the exam was over the technician said, “your results will be back today. Make sure to talk to your doctor.”

I felt a sharp pressure in my chest as I left and walked from east 41st and third to Penn Station. I wasn’t tired or in pain. I knew it was the unknown that was stressing me out. “Why was my body designed to kill me?” I wondered. “I try so hard to keep it in good shape but it’s never enough.”

As I got to Park Avenue, I saw a sculpture of a diver. The body was upside down in a holding in position, poised to jump over an edge. The diver is stiff, trying to maintain control and land without causing a disturbance or injure themselves.

“This is me,” I thought. “I’m always trying to do enough to control the ripples my autoimmune condition triggers. Today was a belly flop. But, I’ll pull myself out of the deep end and stand on the edge again, hoping for the perfect landing.”

FYI: My shirt says, “I’m fine. Everything fine.” But it shows a clearly disheveled cat. Lol (you gotta laugh)

#chronicpain #autoimmunedisease #chronicillness #spoonie #invisibleillness #osteoarthritis #ADA #WomensHealth


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