I have too many of these photos; a picture of me in a hospital gown waiting for an exam or procedure. Today’s image was taken before a combo endoscopy and colonoscopy.

10 years ago I had a lymphoma scare so it was time to search for polyps or random tumors. The exams were also necessary because 7 years ago I had a procedure to rebuild my stomach, which as of late has been causing issues too. If that isn’t enough, I needed to get my blood pressure monitored in a facility due to ongoing concerns about possible heart issues like the ones the occurred 19 years ago when since I suffered two TIA’s.

Why is all of this happening now? I don’t know. I do my kettlebell workouts, take my meds, ride my bike for 25-35 minutes a day, eats high fiber diet and have even lost weight while gaining muscle. Ironically, my body is looking better on the outside but is failing on the inside.

After two hours of probing, I learned that some of our fears were confirmed. I allowed myself to be depressed on the ride home. Then, I stopped at a store after calling in another new prescription and I saw a woman with her ashes. I remembered today, Ash Wednesday, is about acknowledging the fragile nature of human mortality. This is something I think about every time my condition flares, as well as today.

Ash Wednesday is also about repenting for one’s sins and turning to one’s faith. So, I got home, locked myself in the bathroom and I prayed. I thanked God for allowing me to make it this far, for letting me questioning His plan for me sometimes and I asked for a path forward.

Then a thought popped into my head, “the first thing I need to do is seeing myself as a person God has chosen to get sick more than others rather than as a chronically ill person who is only occasionally well.” This subtle difference made me feel like less of a victim of my autoimmune condition and more like a person simply living with it.

#faith #spoonie #invisibleillness #SickButNotWeak #WomensHealth

#AshWednesday #invisibleillness #disability #autoimmunedisease #chronicillness #chronicpain #endoscopy #colonoscopy #TIA #HeartDisease