I appear stoic and strong enough to crush anything that crosses my path like the nutcracker I chose to wear for day 13 of my ugly Christmas sweater countdown. But, looks can be deceiving. It reminds me of the biblical reference, “There but the grace of God go I.” This is especially true this week.

I didn’t have many birthday parties as a kid because my birthday, at the end of the week, is close to Christmas. The last big one I remember my friends throwing was when I was when I turned 18 in college.

My mother and my aunt knew my frustration over not having a day to myself. They were both born this week too. So when I was young they invented a holiday just for us, birthmas. As I got old I began throwing my annual birthmas party;. I did it for more than 15 years; that stopped about four year ago. I was too sick that year to cook for my family and friends. It was then I learned no one was going to step up and invite me over. It was okay because my mom and my aunt were still here to have intimate gathering with and celebrate.

This will be the second year without them. Several people asked me my plan for my birthday and I’ve struggled to come up with anything. I realize that I should celebrate being alive but I’m still grieving their sudden absences in 2020. Despite this, I will stand tall. I will soldier on, facing what comes my way. And, I will attempt to smash my problems into bite size, digestible and conquerable pieces; that’s certain a good way to get through a tough time.

(Btw, I am deathly allergic to tree nuts so wearing a nutcracker is the closest I get to nut)

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