Aim For A Good Enough Day Despite Grief

I didn’t get to mail one of my signature sarcastic cards to my mother this year to mark her 70th birthday. She’s no longer here so she wouldn’t be able to read it then call to jokingly chastise me, for once again, sending that mess to her house. I won’t hear her say, “you think you’re funny or you got jokes, huh? You really have too much time on your hands. But, thank you, my dear.” 

I also won’t be able to share cake with her at my annual “birthmas” gathering. Her passing and Covid are preventing me from

having one. But, I will blow out a candle in her honor. I’ll pray that she is at peace, which was her greatest wish after a long, difficult battle with kidney failure, cancer and Scleroderma. 

Afterward, I’m going to blast Christmas music and sing along, probably badly, while wearing her face on my chest . Her image on my sweatshirt is to remind others of what I already know. She is unforgettable. 

My mother lives in my mind, my heart and is present in my daily life through memories, sayings, the expressions on my face and the values that I posses. And, this season I’m spreading a tiny bit of the joy she gave me and others through my Christmas sweater countdown and essays; it’s something she would’ve gotten a kick out of (sweaters 1-14 are attached). She appreciated my quirkiness. 

I’m sure I’ll cry but mostly I’ll think about my mother’s cheerful voice (on the slideshow), her wonderful smile (in the photos), her boisterous laugh and her humility, which made her grateful for anything she received no matter how big or small. And, I’ll try to have a good day or good enough one because that’s what she’d want.

I’m not sure she ever truly knew her worth. Even as she lay dying she downplayed what her absence would mean. If she’s looking down, I hope she understands it is profound yet her legacy is immortal. 

Happy heavenly birthday, Mom! Rest in Paradise. 

#covid  #cancer #chronicillness #chronicpain #spoonie #rip #scleroderma #autoimmunedisease #happyholidays #Birthdays #Christmas #mothersanddaughters #death #grief

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