I barely slept. I’d wake up every hour and a half to contemplate my cervical procedure. This continued from 10 p.m. until 5:45 a.m. when I got out of bed and took a shower. I was more nervous when I got out.

I needed something to distract me so I looked through my pile of holiday sweaters. I chose the gingerbread man with a broken leg for day 7 of my Christmas  countdown. Like me, “Gingy” is in need of repairs. Nerve impingement could lead to paralysis so I wanted to stop or fix it.I want to walk and use my arms as freely as I did as a toddler. But, my body’s fragility sometimes makes that hard without a little help.

I tossed the sweater on and headed to the hospital for special surgery. I exchanged masks at the door, used the hand sanitizer, stepped in from the temperature screener then filled out my paperwork on the other side of a plexiglass..

I was in a daze when the nurse handed me my robe, hat, socks and storage bags. I was replaying  having to tell the admitting nurse that my mother, Gloria, could not longer be my emergency contact because she’d died. This was going to be my first surgery or procedure without her.

This stayed on my mind until I was ass up on an operating room table with three strange men. My head went in the cage, my arms were strapped down and the poking began. The local anesthesia didn’t work at first so it was repeated. . I got through the burning, tingling and poking by praying my mom was watching over me. 

Between the Ativan. IV and my oanxiety I was an unstable mess when we were done.I was wheeled into the recovery room to wait to go home. I found myself looking from my mom, knowing she’s not coming. I  finally gave up and got myself dressed and  ready to go.

The nurse saw my sweater and started smiling. I explained it’s part of a 25 exercise to grant me more laughter or smiles that tears after a tough years. I showed a group nurses photos the other sweaters. I discovered that a humorous moment can be found in every situation. Just have to seize it and sometime share it.

#covid  #cancer #chronicillness #chronicpain #spoonie #autoimmunedisease #spine #backpain  #HSS #happyholidays #MerryChristmas #Christmas #laughter #death #grief