Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking

‘Tis the season to be jolly. But, I’m not all that joyful. In the last month I’ve dreaded the passage of each day, knowing I was getting closer to December. I used to look forward to this month; it was my favorite one because my birthday, my mom’s and my aunt’s were the same week. We’d celebrate together at my annual “birthmas” bash. 

There’s no party this year due to Covid and the lack of a reason to celebrate. You see my mom (12/14) and my aunt (12/16) passed away just four months apart this year, leaving me with no one with whom I can share a cake , sing Christmas Karaoke, dress like elf, volunteer to give gifts to children, cook a holiday meal or wear an ugly holiday shirt/sweater.

I thought about canceling Christmas this year; honoring my faith without all of the other fanfare like a tree, presents, a family meal or funny sweaters. Then, I stumbled upon on a photo of the three of us marking our birthdays last year with cake and laughs at the nursing home where my aunt was staying. 

I could’ve never imagined you both wouldn’t be here, I thought. I didn’t have a plan yet for life without you but I guess I’d better come up with one.

I pushed myself to decorate my house. And, I decided I will wear one of my holidays shirts every day until Christmas to remind myself of the cheer and quirky sense of humor I used share with my departed loved ones that’s masked right now by sadness. I’m choosing to smile like the Nat King Coke song told me because that’s what my mom and aunt would do.

“Smile, what’s the use of crying?

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile”

#covid #birthmas #smile #AMothersLove

#scleroderma #cancer #mothersanddaughters #blackfamily #chronicillness #chronicpain #spoonie #death #grief 

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