As my birthday approached, I plastered on a smile on my face to hide the ground swell of sadness engulfing me. I went about every day task wondering, “Why am I still stuck at the same point I was in last year?
No matter how my times I asked myself that question the answer didn’t came. So, I prayed and waited, waited and prayed. Yet, the path forward was unclear and happiness didn’t follow.
One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided a new look might help. I got a haircut but it didn’t make me feel better because I focused on the growing amount of grey hair.
I began working out too. I felt stronger, healthier and had better stamina despite my autoimmune disease. Yet, all I could see was the pudge I hadn’t gotten rid of and the muscle tone I was lacking. I also lamented that I couldn’t stop the flares caused by my condition.
Additionally, I signed up to go back to school. I felt proud that I still have the drive to educate myself. However, I never figure out how this would help me determine what to do next in my career.
After months of being haunted by the same question, I had an epiphany. I’m not at the same point I was last year. I’m just still as hard on and critical of myself as ever.
On my birthday eve, I got up and I bought ugly Christmas sweaters. Why? I decided it was time for me to lighten up, cut myself more slack and enjoy the journey while I continue to make changes.
Happy Birthday to me! (12/17)
#blackgirlmagic #nevergiveup #cancersucks #invisibleillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #disability #autoimmunedisease #spoonie #igg4