Hold On As Life’s Pendulum Swings

Joy. Sadness. Love. Fear. Those are the emotions I’ve gone through in just three short days. Now I’m just numb, wondering what’s next and hoping the pendulum swings back towards happy times.

I began my long weekend overjoyed that my beloved mother’s last scan shows no more signs of cancer. I was shocked to learn that she’s still weak and having some trouble breathing. But, I was thankful that she’d made it through months of treatment and may only need time and medication to feel like her old self.

The high from my mother’s news stayed with me as I headed to a wedding wearing heels, although low ones, for the first time since my back problems began three years ago. But, my happiness was clouded by sadness when I learned that a woman I’ve come to love as if she were my own aunt had taken a turn for the worse. I learned she’s in the hospital and it doesn’t look good. I didn’t know if I’d see her again before it’s too late. And, I wondered if she’d know the imprint she’s made on my life.

Questions bounced around in my head as I drove home from the wedding and tried to sleep. Six hours later, I tried to shake off my sadness because it was time to celebrate my soon to be sister-in-law. I was moved by the love that I felt capturing the special moments during her bridal show. I couldn’t help but think that I was losing one person I loved and gaining another; perhaps that’s just the way life plays out.

As I headed back to my parents’ home to drop my mother off, we stopped to see her sister in the rehab center. When we turned right out of the elevator, I saw my aunt sitting in her wheelchair picking at her dinner. I was struck by how drawn her face was, how skinny her legs had become and how her memory had deteriorated since last I saw her.

My aunt was slipping away before my eyes and I knew I couldn’t stop. I also couldn’t take her home even though she begged us too. I fought back tears as we entered the elevator to leave knowing she was stuck in a place she didn’t be in. Although my head told me it was best that she stay at the rehab center, my heart broke a little. I left a piece of my heart with her. I just hope she knows that.

I know that life has its ups and downs but this weekend was emotionally draining. I had no choice but to try to make the best out of the bad times and I let the good times carry me through.

#love #circleoflife #loss #family #wedding #bridal shower #invisibleillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #blogger #writinglife #disability #autoimmunedisease #spoonie

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