I’m at a loss for words, I thought as I picked up my phone to type. I truly haven’t had anything to say for days. So, I’ve followed biblical advice and decided to be quiet and be still.

All four of these nodules have grown since my last scan six months ago, I thought as I stared at my new radiology report. They’re solid not fluid filled cysts. But they’re small. Statistics I found online tell me they’re likely not Cancer. But how will I know for sure? And, even if they’re not should they stay in there? How big will they get?

When I had a group chronically swollen lymph nodes, doctors told me to wait, I thought. I did for about a year. Then, it took six surgeries over two years for suspicion of Lymphoma to get rid of them. I lost 40 pounds and hair. I was left with a crooked smile, a scar on my neck and behind my ear and a lifetime of worry. Now, doctors want me to just watch these. Can I live with sitting still for three more months?

Yesterday, I finally shared my quandary with a few friends. I waited because I didn’t want anyone else to be concerned about me or hear pity in their voices again. But, once I let my secret out, I was met with only supportive words. And, I was advised to take action to protect my life. This comforted me enough that I was finally able to sleep for hours.

I woke up this morning with the lyrics to the Sam Cooke song, “A Change Is Gonna Come,” in my head.

“There have been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long
But now I think I’m able to carry on
It’s been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will.”

Read days 1-63 here: https://nikabeamon.com

#friendship #lymphoma #breatcancer #igg4 #spoonies #autoimmunedisease #invisibleillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #disability #igg4 #2018 #joythroughthepain