What the hell is happening to me? Am I having a panic attack, I wondered as I sprung up at 2:00 a.m.
My heart is beating fast, I thought. I’m sweating and I’m on the verge of tears. There are a million thoughts racing through my mind.
I tucked my head into my knees and took some short, quick breaths. I rocked myself for a little bit. In minutes, I felt a tiny bit calmer.
I’d better capture this moment in case I need to explain it to someone, I thought. This has never happened to me before.
It took an hour for me to feel like myself again. But, nagging thoughts woke me up repeatedly.
First, I wondered, what are the results of my chest ultrasound? What will my condition do to me next?
At 4:00 a.m. I wondered, will my mother make it through her hip surgery okay? Who is going to take care of my parents?
By 5:00 a.m., I thought, will I ever have a child of my own? Will my body able to handle this?
At 6:00 a.m. I questioned, should I keep blogging if no one reads my posts? Should write more books if no one buys them?
Finally at 7:00 a.m., I wondered, other than making money to pay bills why I do keep going to my job? Do I have what it takes to change careers?
45 minutes later, I was back to my routine. But, as the water poured across my hair and down my back I thought, I always try to be strong and in control. I make lists. I plan. I pray. I exercise. I read. I repeat mantras. I listen to music. I vent through my writing. I find a reason to smile and laugh every day. But, I internalize my problems until they take hold of me. Clearly it’s time for me to address this chink in my armor.
Read days 1-60: https://nikabeamon.com
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