“I don’t want to get up,” I thought as I opened my eyes at 7:15. “What’s the point? I fight so hard to live, only to maintain an existence I don’t want anymore. I take pills, have procedures, go to doctors. Why do I keep trying?”

Just then, I spotted two more notes from NYU Langone.

“More tests. More blood,” I thought. “I’m always at one specialist or another and they can’t stop what’s happening to me. Now my liver and kidneys are having issues.”

I rubbed my hand across my face and threw my sore knee out of the bed.

“I gotta replace you too,” I mumbled as I rubbed my knee cap.

I began my morning yoga and tried to clear my mind. Then, I hobbled into the bathroom.

I quickly put lotion on my body and threw my clothes on so I could do a few tasks before I started work.

As soon as I sat down in front of my computer, my phone beeped. It was a message from my friend Karen about a belated birthday present.

I wrote and edited four news stories before I went out to the mailbox. I looked in and saw nothing. Then, I ran my hand along the back wall and felt a padded envelope. I brought it in and cut the top open. Inside was a sparkling snowflake ornament.

“What a beautiful ornament,” I thought. “Too bad you didn’t make the tree this year.

Then, I noticed a pamphlet, showing people peering into the center of the ornament. I looked into the brown stone and saw the smiling faces of my parents. Without hesitation, I burst into tears. With one glance, I knew I had angels watching over me.

”You’re still with me,” I thought as I stared at my mom and dad.”

“Perhaps this is a sign that I can’t see what’s coming by looking at things the same way,” I thought. “I may have to squint and try to find a new approach to change what’s in front of me. But, it’s not time to give up.”

#death #grief #family #godwinks #autoimmunedisease

#chronicillness #spoonie #chronicpain #ItTakesAVillage #ornament #friendship #nevergiveup