“Put it in,” I said to the gastroenterologist, “this is the only option. She needs nutrients so the rest of her organs don’t shut down so do it.”

I hung up the phone and crumbled in a ball fo tears.

Did I make the right decision? I wondered.

l’m such a hypocrite, I thought. I put in my living will that I don’t want a feeding tube yet I put one in my mom. I didn’t know what else to do.

I was pacing and crying when my father called.

“I should tell you that I gave the doctor authorization to add the tube,” I said.

“Good, I’m not ready for her to die yet. You did the right thing.”

A weigh as heavy as a cinder block was lifted off my chest but it quickly returned.

“Hey mom, it’s me. I want you to know I told the doctor to put the feed tube in. I’m sorry,” I said before I hung up the phone.

Two days later, I haven’t gotten a return call from my mom. I can’t go over to see her because covid-19! rules at the hospital don’t allow it. I can’t send a flowers, a card or a gift either. All I can do is wait for her to have the will or the energy to call me back.

I know she made it through the procedure and is doing well but I haven’t heard her voice. She hasn’t said it’s okay or that I made the right decision. So, I’ll leave her voicemail message for Mother’s Day to say I love you. And, I’ll let her know that it’s okay if she’s upset with me. I’m just glad she’s alive, still fighting and has the chance to grow older with me. I’m so thrilled she’s my mother I want more time with her. I’m not sorry about that.

#cancer #cancersucks #Mothersday2020 #HappyMothersDay #covid19 #pandemic
#coronavirus #mothersanddaughters #invisibleillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #autoimmunedisease #spoonie