There are 15 things left on my to do list, I thought. I’m not going to get them done before I got to the hospital on Monday. I feel like I’m running as hard I can but I’m not getting anywhere.
I’ve been using all of my energy to improve the welfare of others while masking my own deep despondency, I thought. I’ve been present and offered an ear, advice and encouragement to some people who have wronged me and others who have limited time for me in return. I’ve restored friendship to others who, at one point, took theirs away. I’ve risked my health to make it to work more days than I probably should’ve so the workload wouldn’t overwhelm my colleagues. And I’ve given money, time and donations to charities and individuals in need of assistance. But, I can’t seem to elicit the same level of interest, concern, support or love from others and I don’t show enough towards myself. There’s something terribly wrong with that.
I curled up into the fetal position on my bed and fought back tears. As o distraction I began watching videos online on my phone. I stumbled upon one that made me cackle. It was the glorious sound of my own laughter that shook me from my funk.
No matter how difficult things have gotten I’ve always found some joy through the pain, I thought. I’m way too hard on myself. I’ll have to work on forgiving myself for my perceived failures, shortcomings and missteps. If I can do that in the coming year then, as Bishop Desmond Tutu once said I’ll be “given another chance to make a new beginning.” For now, I’ll focus on enjoying the rest of the holiday season.
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