I wrapped my arms around myself as I went to bed last night. It was my small way of quieting the thoughts that were bombarding me like, “what do I have to do tomorrow? When am I going to my knee replacement and foot and spine injections done? What are the holidays going to look like now that my immediate family is so tiny?”

I thought about a video clip from “the Boondocks” a friend of mine sent to me the other day mentioning the date chosen for Christmas is inaccurate and the “traditions” we followed are based on a pagan holiday. “Maybe I can skip the holiday season,” I thought. “I used to love the family gathering, time to pause and give thanks for my faith, and celebrating my own birth. But, now I’m not sure. Everything is so different. Losing my dad, the last big piece of my foundational family, has stolen a lot of the joy.”

As I became restless, I glanced over at my phone and noticed the date. “Tomorrow is December 1st,” I thought. “Mom loved my Christmas sweater countdown and so do I. It was our special silly way of staying young at heart and spreading joy.” A smile crept across my face and I felt my body relax. “I’ll do it again. Maybe it will cheer me up.”

Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think you become.”

((FYI: my first shirt is from Star Wars but I’ve never seen the original movie.))

#uglychristmassweater #grief #blackfamily #christmascountdown #spoonie #starwars #chronicillness #chronicpain #autoimmunedisease